I am petrified about going back to school.
My process is not refined enough for me to rely upon it, let alone fight to work by it. I cannot be consumed by that weak falsification of a process that they teach, and I cannot assimilate their greedy opinions on and misunderstandings of design.
The only way that I can lie is by convincing myself that I am acting in truth.
If I gorge myself once again on that self-defining kitsch scraping, and they will make me, I will lose everything I have worked for so far. Worse, I will actively deny any truth that has been created within my current distilling process.
I will again be smothering and oppressing my own intuition.
I do not want this!
And I don’t know what to do otherwise.
I am most frightened of the increasingly aggressive and extreme self-definition acts that I seem to be consistently identified as a mirror for. I don’t have the energy to deflect their fear, and they want me to reflect it so that I can be blamed for it.
1 comment:
i am excited about going back to school, yet once i get there my own mind overworks ityself into being petrified to start. i constantly gorge and regurgitate over my own demise, only chewing but never swallowing.
you do not have to be consumed and spat out by their processes, you just have to find the right designers to teach you, and defend you. and yes - it is fear of 'the unkown' that is the infestation of their reactions.
dont deny your individuality crystal, it is what sets you apart! my heart lurches to find you doubting your process - it will definetly not be an easy thing to do.
"growth occurs only through restraint: the muscle encounters resitance, becomes engorged and is broken down, and in healing becomes stronger." (matthew barney)
i even had a cry to liliana today about the 'not knowing who i am or where my work sits'. in your blog alone you have saved me from hibernating amongst the masses of those who think exploratory design is the variations of a peter pan collar.
lets discuss. sarah from 3rd yr
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